Welcome to Neufer's Mad Thoughts

Thank you for calling, er, I mean, thank you for reading the mad thoughts of me. If you are wondering just what the mad means, be it, ANGRY mad or CRAZY mad, well, that will probably just depend on my mood and what I'm rambling on about. Most of what you will read will be unedited, straight from my head to my keyboard and to your eyes so should I offend, upset or anger you, by all means, yell at me through the screen, leave me angry comments and feel better for doing so. I promise never to respond as I have found it's just not worth my time to respond to angry people I have never met. :) Have a nice day!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Being a Mom at my age

While on Facebook  today one of my high school classmates made the comment, "You know you're getting old when your youngest kid is 18!" which of course got me to thinking, "WTF am I doing with an 18, 14 and 7 year old and only a few years away from 50?"  Definitely one of those, "What were you thinking?" moments.


But then I did remember, I wasn't thinking, hence the children. :)  Seriously though, I think about my childrens future and will I really be able to be a part of it?  Will I live to see grandchildren should they choose to have them?  Will I see my youngest even graduate, that is an easy 10 to 11 years down the road from now.  With my weight problems and such, will I be there for them when they need me?

Now I could make all kinds of life altering decisions and come to these great epiphanies and such and make all kinds of empty promises that I will get my act together and start losing weight and watching what I eat and such, but I also know that until I'm truly ready to do any of those things, in my heart and mind, nothing is going to really change at this time. 



So that leaves me to wonder, just what am I going to do with my young kids and this old body.  I am going to enjoy them, I am going to listen to them, I am going to talk to them and I am going to learn to appreciate them more.  One thing I have learned in all my wise and wonderful years (all 47 and counting) is that you have to live in the now.  The past is there, you shouldn't forget it but you can forgive those from your past who have hurt you and learn from it, but never forget the lessons it has taught you.  Take those lessons and either use them in the now or help others from what you have learned.

And when someone has really hurt you in the past, be it emotionally, physically or otherwise and you still hang on to that hurt and pain, ask yourself, why.  Why do you let it rule your now and possibly your future?  Why do you let it decide for you who you are or who you can be?  Sure it hurts and sometimes the pain is unbearable, I know, I have been there.  But I learned that if I let it rule my life, if I let it rule my emotions, if I let it overpower me then I am nothing more than a shell of a person who has nothing to offer to those around me and it's a total waste of my time, energy and well being both mentally and physically.  So I chose to let the past go, to forgive, but never forget the lessons learned and to move on and live in the now.


And for those in my past who worry that I will tell the whole world about my past, you can put close the book on that worry, I have no desire to "share" my pain from the past with the whole world.  No need, no want, no reason to do that.  So relax and enjoy your now and look to your future with a clear mind and heart and know you have been forgiven for any past transgressions and I would hope that anyone I have wronged in the past would do the same for me.


Which brings me back to my kids (don't ask how it does, just enjoy the ride), as I have said before, there are days I could seriously just sell them to the highest bidder but those days are few and far between and most days I wouldn't trade them in for all the rice in China, which by the way I do like now, can you believe that Mom?  Remember how it used to make me gag?  Not anymore!  But again I digress and get off the point, while I may be an older mom who still has to raise my own children while a lot of classmates from the class of '80 are enjoying their empty nests or grandchildren, I'm glad I waited and that I still have my kids to keep me young.



And I will start once again to make that effort to find more positive in my children and praise them for it.  It's hard a lot of times to find the positive but baby steps is what it's going to take, just like getting my schedule organized and promising myself to write on this blog at least once a day.  Baby steps to change my life, to find myself and to learn to appreciate what I have and what I could have.  I may have started a little later in life with my kids but that's alright, I can deal with that. :)  




One thing I need to work for me on is meeting people in real life.  I have lots of internet friends but very few in real life. I think I'm to worried about getting hurt or disappointed in people because they don't live up to my expectations and I have to learn to just accept people for who they are and find people who have the same interests as me as soon as I figure out just what those interests are, LOL :)


So that's it for today, enough musings, more tomorrow. ;)

1 comment:

  1. Good for you...just so you know..it's not to late..I have changed my eating, etc to help me lose the weight too.
    Love,
    Mom

    ReplyDelete

Leave any and all comments that you wish, just keep it clean, no cussing or obscene language as those will be either deleted or edited for content. Thank you and have a nice day!